Month: March 2012

Bob traveled [active] to Paris last fall. When he purchased [active] his plane tickets, he was offered [passive] a discount on some castle tours. When he arrived [active] in France, however, he discovered [active] that he had been scheduled [passive] for two tours at the same time. He complained [active] at the tour office, and demanded that the second tour be rescheduled [passive].

This week's challenge: Rewrite the following entirely passive paragraph using mostly active voice. If you chose to retain the passive on some sentences, indicate why. [Hint: decide whether this is the story of the blower vac or of "you" the owner of the new power tool.] I'm looking forward to reading your submissions.

Your new blower vac should be kept clean. It should be used only with dry leaves. When damp earth and debris are picked up, the inside of the fan chamber may become clogged. Then the performance of the unit may be decreased. This area should be cleaned out using a stick or other non-metalic scraper. Cleaning should only be done when the unit is disconnected from the power source. The blower vac should not be stored adjacent to fertilizers or chemicals. The metal parts can be corroded by such storage.

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Many excellent sentences resulted from last week's challenge. Virtually every sentence readers sent in was an improvement over the original with the false subject. Here is the overall best take on the sentences, presented by Stacey Edwards, who also explains how she analyzed each sentence:

Original sentences are numbered. Revisions are beneath each numbered sentence. [Bold face indicates original subject and verb.] 

1. There are two places you can edit a resource calendar: the Working Time tab of the Resource Information dialog box and the Change Working Time dialog box.

You can edit a resource calendar in either the Working Time tab of the Resource Information dialog box or the Change Working Time dialog box.

2. There is a widespread misperception that search fields are case sensitive. (no clear subject or verb)  

Many new employees mistakenly believe that search fields are case sensitive.

3. It is difficult for voting rights advocates to prove in federal court that packing minority voters into majority-minority districts diminishes their ability to elect candidates of choice.

Voting rights advocates have difficulty proving in federal court that packing minority voters into majority-minority districts diminishes the voters' ability to elect their candidates of choice.

4. There is an average wait time for tables of more than 40 minutes. (missing subject)

Diners wait an average of over 40 minutes for tables.

5. It is sometimes desirable to convert user-defined missing values to nulls.

Sometimes, you should convert user-defined missing values to nulls.

6. There is one simple query that can be issued that allows you to select all records from a table but display only a specified column. 

You can issue a single simple query so that you can select all records from a table, but display only a specified column.

Edwards made sure to find a human subject for every sentence, and I do recommend that writers attempt to find that human actor whenever possible.  I especially love what she did with number 2: she figured out that there was no strong subject or verb, so she cast about for a good subject and put that in: "Many new employees" along with a strong verb, "believe."

On the other hand, sometimes it may be legitimate to speak of things doing things. If the concept or function or widget you are explaining is the most important thing in the sentence, you may want to place that in the subject slot. Here is an example where Barbara Wiedl did this:

The average wait for tables is more than 40 minutes.

The reader's principal concern may well be the wait time, and placing it first in the sentence is a good call.

Similarly, both Wiedl and Michael Stein revised number 5 this way:

Converting user-defined missing values to nulls is sometimes desirable.

Lisa Mileusnich gives another good take on number 5 (similar to Stacey's):

Sometimes you should convert user-defined missing values to nulls.

Number 5 also illustrates a common problem I find when I read training materials from which I am trying to learn: the what and how are included, but not the why. By using the words sometimes you at the front, Mileusnich's sentence leads one directly to the question of "When should I make this conversion, and when should I not?" The original, with its "it is sometimes desirable to…" takes the why as a given, as if the reader already knows that conversion is "desirable." Eliminating false subjects may sometimes show us that the sentence could actually contain a lot more information.

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By starting with the unique subject and a specific action, you create a strong and interesting sentence. However, many of us don't write our training and business documents that way. Instead, we distance ourselves and our readers from the content of our sentences by using "false subjects." A false subject is the word there or it serving as a placeholder for the true subject. The nonaction verb to be follows, typically in the form of is, are, was, or were, acting as a placeholder for the true action of the sentence.

And where are the true subject and the true action hidden? The true subject might appear after the verb:

There was an angry chickadee chasing a marauding squirrel from the feeder.

But sometimes the subject might not be included in the sentence at all, as the action becomes passive:

There was a squirrel being chased from the feeder.

The cure for this distancing and uninteresting writing style is to (1) notice a false subject at the beginning of a sentence, (2) identify the true subject or actor (who may not even be mentioned in the sentence), and (3) identify the true verb. Once you have identified all of the important content, reconstruct the sentence with the true subject first, then the true verb. Thus,

There are two different ways that a mailbox can be installed.

First I notice the false subject and nonaction verb: "there are." Then I look for the true subject or actor. The true actor is not even in the sentence. To decide on a true actor, I have to think about who would install a mailbox. I could just say "a person," but a more specific person would be better. Maybe a mail carrier or a building contractor installs the mailbox. Or maybe I am talking directly to the reader "you."

Next I determine the action or true verb. In this case "installed."

Now I put the true actor and the action verb at the front of the sentence:

You can install a mailbox one of two ways.

Try that process on these sentences. Feel free to invent true actors if they are not present in the sentence. Add action verbs as needed. I can't wait to read your improvements. I expect your suggestions will make the text below far more interesting and stronger.

1. There are two places you can edit a resource calendar: the Working Time tab of the Resource Information dialog box and the Change Working Time dialog box.
2. There is a widespread misperception that search fields are case sensitive.
3. It is difficult for voting rights advocates to prove in federal court that packing minority voters into majority-minority districts diminishes their ability to elect candidates of choice.
4. There is an average wait time for tables of more than 40 minutes.
5. It is sometimes desirable to convert user-defined missing values to nulls.
6. There is one simple query that can be issued that allows you to select all records from a table but display only a specified column.

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

In the first example, there is no reason for a comma afteralthough. The word although is not a transition word ( likehowever, therefore, or moreover). Instead, although is a "subordinating conjunction." It creates a subordinate clause and is actually part of the clause.

In the second example, the comma after although appears to form a pair with the comma after warm, making the introductory clause "when the water is warm" look as though it is parenthetical, or nonessential. However, it is not nonessential, because if you remove it from the sentence, the part about "that day the water was cold" becomes a non sequitur.

Let's look at an example where the word although is actually followed by an interruption, rather than by an introductory clause:

Although, as Pete said, the rain stopped by midnight, the stream was still flooded at 6 am.

The interrupter "as Pete said" is surrounded by commas, meaning you can leave it out and the sentence does not suffer a loss of meaning.

In speech people sometimes pause after the word althoughwith index finger raised, quizzical look on face, appearing to think of a new thought that contradicts what they just said and that might make them change their mind. In these cases, people tend to pronounce the word although in a long, drawn out manner with an emphasis in the middle: al-THOUGH-ohhh. Their words might be punctuated like this:

I intend to fire Jim–although–didn't he just win a new account? [I might be changing my mind.]

The dashes indicate interrupted thought and a complete departure from the gist of the sentence. A comma would not be a strong enough punctuation mark to indicate this kind of interruption. Contrast that with this:

I intend to fire Jim, although [or even though] he just won a new account. [I'm still going to fire him.]

I intend to purchase a new laptop, although my old one still works.

By far the majority of sentences with although in everyday business, training, or marketing are these ordinary uses, not the long, drawn out because-I-might-be-changing-my-mind types of sentences. So, I return to my original statement: don't use a comma after although.

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.