Month: March 2013

by Jennie Ruby

No "correct" answers came in from my last punctuation challenge. But one answer explained why, and another answer revealed a strange pattern I've been noticing lately in training voiceovers.

The answer that explained why I received no correct answers came from Krista Allen. Faced with these compound sentences–sentences that contain two entire sentences within them–she rewrote every one of them as two sentences. And, I have to say, she was correct to do so. Training writing should be concise, clear and written at about the 4th through 8th grade level. These compound sentences came up to almost 10th grade level. By breaking up the compound sentences, Krista brought them into the recommended range. Together, they now clock in at the 5.5 grade level:

1. You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions. What's more, you can also use the shared folders with external clients through a shared link.
2. Right-click the folder. When you see the shortcut menu, choose Create Shortcut.
3. Using the Map Network Drive feature eases desktop access to a networked drive. It enables end users to type and click through much shorter path names.
4. On the General tab, click Settings in the dialog box. Next, access the Advanced group and click Delete Cookies.

Of course, by rewriting the sentences, Ms. Allen side-stepped the comma issue. I was looking for what people would do with the commas at the spots where two complete sentences were joined. I offered, in my intro to the challenge, the Gregg Reference Manual's recommendation. That well-respected grammar guide kept the comma before the word and. That comma is, after all, marking the clear boundary between the two sentences.

Here is how Gregg would have us punctuate sentence 1:

1. You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions, and what is more, you can use the shared folders with external clients through a sealed link.

And here is how our respondent David Zimmerle punctuated it:

1. You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions and, what is more, you can use the shared folders with external clients through a sealed link.

I was amazed at David's insight into this puzzling pattern that I hear in voiceovers. Trainers giving voice instruction regularly pause after the word and, not before. By the written rules and logic of punctuation, that is just wrong. But from a training standpoint, it does everything right. It immediately signals to the listener that another thought is coming. It then provides a pause during which the listener can prepare for the next instruction. And by providing a pause before the next instruction, the speaker calls attention to it.

Listen to some voiceovers this week–whether on YouTube or in your own work–and let me know if you hear what David and I hear. He has gone beyond the rules and is exercising what I call "literary punctuation." Rather than punctuating by the structure of the sentence (the rule states that we should separate the two parts of a compound sentence with a comma followed by a conjunction: , and), his rewritten examples reflect the cadence of training speech:

1. Right-click the folder and, when you see the shortcut menu, choose Create Shortcut.
2. You can ease desktop access to a networked drive by using the Map Network Drive feature and, thus, enable end users to type and click through much shorter path names.
3. In the dialog box on the General tab, click Settings, and then access the Advanced group, and click Delete Cookies.

Notice in the third example above, the comma after Settings is in the grammatically mandated spot. But it also marks a logical break in instructions, giving the learner time to click Settings before announcing the next instruction.

One more note: in the first example, the phrase introducing the second sentence in the compound ends up marked as parenthetical, with a comma on each side, when it is not. Again, however, the part about when you see the shortcut menu, in the spoken cadence of training, would typically have pauses before and after.

So should we go with technically correct, structural punctuation? Or should we just punctuate by feel? I think that skillful punctuation, as in any field that is part logic and part art, demands that we know the rules first before breaking them.

Challenge

Lower the grade level of each of these sentences.

1. It is incumbent upon the office holder to ensure that the documentation is filled out to a thorough and complete extent and that the printed names are clearly and legibly readable.
2. The sales representative must ensure that the introductions between the client and the technical staff are accomplished in a polite and courteous manner.
3. Confidentiality in regard to the final pricing decision points must be maintained by the financial services representative.

As always, your answers come straight to me.

***

Correction:

Two weeks ago, I misspelled the name of the vireo bird, even though I am a birdwatcher! Chris Niestepski sent in this fun correction notice. Thanks Chris. –Jennie

"I'm nobody's vereo!" rattled the vireo, scathingly.

***

by Jennie Ruby

Are you guilty of overusing commas? If so, you're not alone. Consider the following sentence:

Fill in all the fields in the form, and, then, click the submit button to send it in.

The Gregg Reference Manual suggests that although you may feel like pausing before and after the word and, three commas are too many. It suggests omitting the one afterand. Thus we keep the comma before and, which is separating two independent clauses. We also keep the comma after then, which separates an introductory transition word from the rest of the sentence.

Too many grammar words in one sentence? Barge ahead and try punctuating these sentences. They need comma help.

1. You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions and what is more you can use the shared folders with external clients through a sealed link.
2. Right-click the folder and when you see the shortcut menu choose Create Shortcut.
3. You can ease desktop access to a networked drive by using the Map Network Drive feature and thus enable end users to type and click through much shorter path names.
4. In the dialog box on the General tab click Settings and then access the Advanced group and click Delete Cookies.

Answers to Last week's Challenge

This week's answers are brought to you by Mark Rudden:

1. Diners may choose from steak, lobster, chicken, and tofu. [removed the colon after from]
2. The bundle includes a wireless router, cabling, backup power box, and installation. [removed the colon after includes]
3. Our bird-watching trip was a success; we saw woodpeckers, finches, vereos, and juncos. [removed the colon after saw]
4. The function displays the following: search results, formatting inconsistencies, and suggested corrections.[correct as is]
5. In this lesson, you will learn to apply a cover page, add a contents page, and set up custom page numbering. [I would put a coma after lesson, but I'm not sure if it's technically required. It just sounds better to my reading ear.]
6. New songs include Coins for the Canopy, Ice Room Graffiti, and The Figurine. [removed the colon after include]

Alternative answers are brought to you by David Zimmerle. Other respondents with all answers correct were Carol Ansorge, Howard Gold, Jay Herman, Carole Stull, and Vera Sytch.

1. Diners may choose from the following entrees: steak, lobster, chicken, and tofu.
2. The bundle includes everything you need for setup: a wireless router, cabling, backup power box, and installation.
3. Our bird-watching trip was a success; we saw such a variety: woodpeckers, finches, vereos, and juncos.
4. The function displays the following commands: search results, formatting inconsistencies, and suggested corrections.
5. In this lesson you will learn to apply a cover page, add a contents page, and set up custom page numbering.
6. New songs include the following tracks: "Coins for the Canopy", "Ice Room Graffiti", and "The Figurine".

Carol Ansorge also asked whether it is really okay to introduce a bullet list with no colon. The answer is yes. I edited scientific journals for years, and that style was the preferred style. But most people do prefer to see the colon. Therefore, the usual practice is to make sure to complete the introductory sentence and use a colon.

by Jennie Ruby 

A very common error I see at all levels of writing is failure to use a complete sentence before a colon. I see this most often in text after words such as including, are and such as, in sentences like this:

*Our new monitoring centers have many advanced features, including: multiple server backups, high-speed fiber-optic cabling, and 48-hour backup power systems. [no punctuation needed after including]

The other main place I see this error is in the introduction to a bulleted or numbered list. The introduction does look better with the colon, but it has to be a complete sentence. Here is an example of this error:

*Our main objectives are: [no colon needed, or more words needed to complete the introductory sentence]

• Meet or beat the deadline
• Come in under budget
• Exceed the stated quality standards

Here are two ways to correct this error:

Our main objectives are as follows:

We seek to meet these objectives:

 Challenge: Correct these sentences. Be careful! Some are correct as they are.

1. Diners may choose from: steak, lobster, chicken, and tofu.
2. The bundle includes: a wireless router, cabling, backup power box, and installation.
3. Our bird-watching trip was a success; we saw: woodpeckers, finches, vereos, and juncos.
4. The function displays the following: search results, formatting inconsistencies, and suggested corrections.
5. In this lesson you will learn to apply a cover page, add a contents page, and set up custom page numbering.
6. New songs include: Coins for the Canopy, Ice Room Graffiti, and The Figurine.

When ready, send your answers right to me.

***

Answers to my last challenge are brought to you by Vera Sytch, who also voiced this opinion for many of us: "Glad I'm not in the field of economics!" I am happy to report that everyone who submitted answers won this week: all punctuation of these compound sentences was done correctly. Many of you injected transition words or changed transition words in an attempt to make this writing clearer. All of them were an improvement.

1. Perfect markets are not at all proxies for real markets; they suppose an institutional form opposed to the idea of a market.
2. Preference orderings and endowments are a good abstraction of consumers' production sets; hence, and they give an idea of the level of technology use within a firm.
3. There is no relation, let alone identity, between individual and collective behavior; this has been philosophically acknowledged since ancient times.
4. The methodological implications of differing definitions of economic processes are quite drastic; however, long-term investment cannot be determined in an acceptably meaningful manner because the system is subjected neither to the rules of competition nor to the optimizing behavior of cooperative arrangements.
5. The moment a macro-system is broken up into subsectors it no longer holds together; nor can itcannot be built from the bottom up either.