Month: July 2012

by Jennie Ruby  

This week I'd like to share a step-by-step edit of a paragraph sent in by one of my students. Here is the original paragraph. The challenge was to get this down to one sentence.

This section presents the key themes identified from this environmental snapshot.  Section 3.1 will present an overview of environmental IT-enabled quality measurement, Section 3.2 will describe possibilitiesfor the next generation of environmental IT-enabled quality measurement, and some critical challengesto achieving the next generation of environmental IT-enabled quality measurement will be highlighted in Section 3.3.

First, notice the reversal, where Section 3.1 and 3.2 are mentioned first, followed by a description, but then suddenly the description comes first for Section 3.3. Right away, this would be better if it were just a parallel list: Section 1 does this, Section 2 does that, and Section 3 does this other thing.

Second, notice that a bunch of the words are the same for all three sections. Repeating "environmental IT-enabled quality measurement" should not be necessary, so let's look for ways to use that phrase only once.
Third, find the words that are different. I highlighted them in bold above.

Fourth, eliminate the repetition:

This section gives an overview of the key themes identified from this snapshot of environmental IT-enabled quality measurement, and then explores possibilities and critical challenges for the next generation of this technology.

Fifth, depending on the audience for this piece of writing, consider rephrasing in more explanatory words exactly what "environmental IT-enabled quality measurement" is. That phrase is completely baffling to an outsider. It seems to me that it would make more sense if it were "IT-enabled environmental quality measurement."

Sixth, add the human element (our, we) to generate a personal connection with the reader:

Our environmental snapshot revealed ways we can use next-generation IT-enabled measurement systems to improve XXXXXX [whatever it is they improve]; but it also revealed some of the challenges this new technology must overcome to do so.

This Week's Challenge

Rewrite the following paragraph into two or three concise, clear sentences. Make sure to incorporate the personal element. 

This course provides an introduction to the world of motorcycle riding to non-riders and will help non-riders decide if motorcycling is for them. The topics will include: Why ride motorcycles? Is it dangerous to ride a motorcycle? Can motorcycle riding be learned by anyone? Familiarization with enhanced motorcycle maintenance logging and tuning procedures. It's easy to learn to ride a motorcycle. Provides the opportunity to register for any motorcycle safety class and get the textbook free. Courses are taught by instructors trained and certified in motorcycle riding instruction as well as maintenance by the Motor Vehicle Department.

As always, I look forward to reading your submissions.

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by Jennie Ruby  

Correct answers to last week's challenge came in from nine readers (including a number of first responders–thanks for joining us!) Doug Blackley, Jimmy Moon,Sonia, Nancy Upchurch, Kara Jones, Jing Ping Fan, Linda Craig, and Larena Jackson.

Jing Ping Fan offered these correct answers with explanations in parentheses.

1. The ice cream truck entered the neighborhood and turned on its loudspeaker. (no comma for compound predicate)
2. The loudspeaker sputtered to life, and children came running. (needs a comma for compound sentence)
3. Children were not the only patrons of the ice cream truck, but the adults tended to arrive more slowly. (needs a comma for compound sentence)
4. Icy-cold confections soon moved through the neighborhood and dripped multicolored sweetness on the sidewalks. (no comma for compound predicate)
5. A dog licked the sticky pavement under its owner's feet and a cat looked disdainfully down from its perch on a porch railing. (needs a comma for compound sentence)
6. The truck trundled to the end of the block and turned out into the traffic of the main street, but it left an indelible mark on the memories of the children. (needs a comma for compound sentence)

JP also offers these ways to tell whether you've got a compound predicate or a compound sentence:

The way to tell if it is a compound sentence:

compound sentence =[subject + verb] + conjunction + [subject + verb]

Note:  verb can be a real verb or predicate.

The conjunction can be any of the these: and, but, so, or, for, yet, nor.

This week's challenge

I am offering no explanation this week, because I just want to see what you all think of these sentences. Well, ok, a little explanation. These are examples of complex sentences (not that they are that complicated–complex is a technical grammar term), which contain an independent clause and a subordinate clause. When the subordinate clause is on the front of the sentence, as we saw a couple of weeks ago, it requires a comma. But when the subordinate clause is on the back, it requires a comma only if it is nonessential. Give these a try, because I am eager to see how people make these decisions. 

1. We came upstairs to see what was going on because the electricity had blinked off and on.
2. Leaves, twigs, and hail battered the windows while a vicious wind tore at the screens.
3. We could see the branches of all the trees in the woods surrounding the house whipping horizontally although the tree trunks were nearly invisible for the torrents of rain.
4. A sickly green cast from the evil-looking sky lent an eery feeling while the hair on the backs of our necks stood on end.
5. We ran back down to the basement because we were afraid the heavy, tall trees around the house would fall.
6. We emerged into a leaf- and branch-bestrewn neighborhood after the storm had passed.
7. We walked down the middle of the street while neighbors checked their cars and houses for damage.
8. We did not know that a microburst had occurred over our neighborhood until we saw the evening news.
9. A mile away a parked car was crushed when the roof of a building flew off and fell in the street.
10. Our fence was crushed by a fallen tree although our house and shed were spared.

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