Category: Writing & Grammar

by Jennie Ruby  

Bob traveled [active] to Paris last fall. When he purchased [active] his plane tickets, he was offered [passive] a discount on some castle tours. When he arrived [active] in France, however, he discovered [active] that he had been scheduled [passive] for two tours at the same time. He complained [active] at the tour office, and demanded that the second tour be rescheduled [passive].

This week's challenge: Rewrite the following entirely passive paragraph using mostly active voice. If you chose to retain the passive on some sentences, indicate why. [Hint: decide whether this is the story of the blower vac or of "you" the owner of the new power tool.] I'm looking forward to reading your submissions.

Your new blower vac should be kept clean. It should be used only with dry leaves. When damp earth and debris are picked up, the inside of the fan chamber may become clogged. Then the performance of the unit may be decreased. This area should be cleaned out using a stick or other non-metalic scraper. Cleaning should only be done when the unit is disconnected from the power source. The blower vac should not be stored adjacent to fertilizers or chemicals. The metal parts can be corroded by such storage.

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Many excellent sentences resulted from last week's challenge. Virtually every sentence readers sent in was an improvement over the original with the false subject. Here is the overall best take on the sentences, presented by Stacey Edwards, who also explains how she analyzed each sentence:

Original sentences are numbered. Revisions are beneath each numbered sentence. [Bold face indicates original subject and verb.] 

1. There are two places you can edit a resource calendar: the Working Time tab of the Resource Information dialog box and the Change Working Time dialog box.

You can edit a resource calendar in either the Working Time tab of the Resource Information dialog box or the Change Working Time dialog box.

2. There is a widespread misperception that search fields are case sensitive. (no clear subject or verb)  

Many new employees mistakenly believe that search fields are case sensitive.

3. It is difficult for voting rights advocates to prove in federal court that packing minority voters into majority-minority districts diminishes their ability to elect candidates of choice.

Voting rights advocates have difficulty proving in federal court that packing minority voters into majority-minority districts diminishes the voters' ability to elect their candidates of choice.

4. There is an average wait time for tables of more than 40 minutes. (missing subject)

Diners wait an average of over 40 minutes for tables.

5. It is sometimes desirable to convert user-defined missing values to nulls.

Sometimes, you should convert user-defined missing values to nulls.

6. There is one simple query that can be issued that allows you to select all records from a table but display only a specified column. 

You can issue a single simple query so that you can select all records from a table, but display only a specified column.

Edwards made sure to find a human subject for every sentence, and I do recommend that writers attempt to find that human actor whenever possible.  I especially love what she did with number 2: she figured out that there was no strong subject or verb, so she cast about for a good subject and put that in: "Many new employees" along with a strong verb, "believe."

On the other hand, sometimes it may be legitimate to speak of things doing things. If the concept or function or widget you are explaining is the most important thing in the sentence, you may want to place that in the subject slot. Here is an example where Barbara Wiedl did this:

The average wait for tables is more than 40 minutes.

The reader's principal concern may well be the wait time, and placing it first in the sentence is a good call.

Similarly, both Wiedl and Michael Stein revised number 5 this way:

Converting user-defined missing values to nulls is sometimes desirable.

Lisa Mileusnich gives another good take on number 5 (similar to Stacey's):

Sometimes you should convert user-defined missing values to nulls.

Number 5 also illustrates a common problem I find when I read training materials from which I am trying to learn: the what and how are included, but not the why. By using the words sometimes you at the front, Mileusnich's sentence leads one directly to the question of "When should I make this conversion, and when should I not?" The original, with its "it is sometimes desirable to…" takes the why as a given, as if the reader already knows that conversion is "desirable." Eliminating false subjects may sometimes show us that the sentence could actually contain a lot more information.

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

by Jennie Ruby  

By starting with the unique subject and a specific action, you create a strong and interesting sentence. However, many of us don't write our training and business documents that way. Instead, we distance ourselves and our readers from the content of our sentences by using "false subjects." A false subject is the word there or it serving as a placeholder for the true subject. The nonaction verb to be follows, typically in the form of is, are, was, or were, acting as a placeholder for the true action of the sentence.

And where are the true subject and the true action hidden? The true subject might appear after the verb:

There was an angry chickadee chasing a marauding squirrel from the feeder.

But sometimes the subject might not be included in the sentence at all, as the action becomes passive:

There was a squirrel being chased from the feeder.

The cure for this distancing and uninteresting writing style is to (1) notice a false subject at the beginning of a sentence, (2) identify the true subject or actor (who may not even be mentioned in the sentence), and (3) identify the true verb. Once you have identified all of the important content, reconstruct the sentence with the true subject first, then the true verb. Thus,

There are two different ways that a mailbox can be installed.

First I notice the false subject and nonaction verb: "there are." Then I look for the true subject or actor. The true actor is not even in the sentence. To decide on a true actor, I have to think about who would install a mailbox. I could just say "a person," but a more specific person would be better. Maybe a mail carrier or a building contractor installs the mailbox. Or maybe I am talking directly to the reader "you."

Next I determine the action or true verb. In this case "installed."

Now I put the true actor and the action verb at the front of the sentence:

You can install a mailbox one of two ways.

Try that process on these sentences. Feel free to invent true actors if they are not present in the sentence. Add action verbs as needed. I can't wait to read your improvements. I expect your suggestions will make the text below far more interesting and stronger.

1. There are two places you can edit a resource calendar: the Working Time tab of the Resource Information dialog box and the Change Working Time dialog box.
2. There is a widespread misperception that search fields are case sensitive.
3. It is difficult for voting rights advocates to prove in federal court that packing minority voters into majority-minority districts diminishes their ability to elect candidates of choice.
4. There is an average wait time for tables of more than 40 minutes.
5. It is sometimes desirable to convert user-defined missing values to nulls.
6. There is one simple query that can be issued that allows you to select all records from a table but display only a specified column.

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

by Jennie Ruby  

In the first example, there is no reason for a comma afteralthough. The word although is not a transition word ( likehowever, therefore, or moreover). Instead, although is a "subordinating conjunction." It creates a subordinate clause and is actually part of the clause.

In the second example, the comma after although appears to form a pair with the comma after warm, making the introductory clause "when the water is warm" look as though it is parenthetical, or nonessential. However, it is not nonessential, because if you remove it from the sentence, the part about "that day the water was cold" becomes a non sequitur.

Let's look at an example where the word although is actually followed by an interruption, rather than by an introductory clause:

Although, as Pete said, the rain stopped by midnight, the stream was still flooded at 6 am.

The interrupter "as Pete said" is surrounded by commas, meaning you can leave it out and the sentence does not suffer a loss of meaning.

In speech people sometimes pause after the word althoughwith index finger raised, quizzical look on face, appearing to think of a new thought that contradicts what they just said and that might make them change their mind. In these cases, people tend to pronounce the word although in a long, drawn out manner with an emphasis in the middle: al-THOUGH-ohhh. Their words might be punctuated like this:

I intend to fire Jim–although–didn't he just win a new account? [I might be changing my mind.]

The dashes indicate interrupted thought and a complete departure from the gist of the sentence. A comma would not be a strong enough punctuation mark to indicate this kind of interruption. Contrast that with this:

I intend to fire Jim, although [or even though] he just won a new account. [I'm still going to fire him.]

I intend to purchase a new laptop, although my old one still works.

By far the majority of sentences with although in everyday business, training, or marketing are these ordinary uses, not the long, drawn out because-I-might-be-changing-my-mind types of sentences. So, I return to my original statement: don't use a comma after although.

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

by Jennie Ruby  

1. Our office does not use these old-style floppy disks any more. I think we should throw them out.
2. What will the meeting be about?
3. Whom am I speaking to?
4. I informed the client where the meeting is at.
5. Which tunnel are we going through?
6. This is a reminder that the east building is the one we are going to.

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After I read John M. Widen's entry for last week's challenge, I realized that no more need be said: 

1. black coffee cup
   • Please wash my black-coffee cup. Someone put cream in it.
2. cheap jug wine
   • If I decanted my wine into an inexpensive ceramic container, I might refer to it as my cheap-jug wine.
3. long range plan
   • My long range-plan for the rifle club was written on a roll of butcher paper.
4. orange sofa pillow
   • I chose lime green for the orange-sofa pillow. Of course I have no taste in colors or syntax.
5. free range chicken
   • Any poultry that escapes the rifle club might be called free range-chicken, or not.
6. broken CD tower
   • I should throw those old disks away instead of storing them in my broken-CD tower.
7. grape seed oil
   • It's easier to plant new vineyards if you lubricate the planter with grape seed-oil.
8. orange juice maker
   • While celebrating Holi in Mumbai (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holi) we bought drinks from the orange juice-maker.    
9. lower back pain
   • I have lower-back pain so I engaged a chiropractor who promised to lower back-pain.
10. red leaf lettuce
    • There is a head-forming red-leaf lettuce but I prefer the taste of red leaf-lettuce.

And here are the correct answers sent to me by Ginny Supranowitz:

1. black coffee cup
2. cheap jug wine
3. long-range plan
4. orange sofa pillow
5. free-range chicken
6. broken CD tower
7. grape-seed oil
8. orange-juice maker
9. lower back pain (I think lower-back could be hyphenated, but we all know what it means without the hyphen.)
10. red-leaf lettuce

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

by Jennie Ruby  

1. The tall and hollow trunk (or The tall, hollow trunk)
2. The upper right corner
3. A quick, easy lesson (or "and")
4. My blue suede shoes
5. The small down arrow
6. A loud and overcrowded stadium (or comma)
7. A small yellow icon
8. A large, cracked hubcap (or "and")
9. The large gray button
10. A wordy and uninteresting paragraph (or comma)

Are you surprised by some of these answers? For example, did you hyphenate upper right corner? Did you place a comma there? Did you want a comma between small and down for the small down arrow? Let's take a closer look at the items that were difficult.

The first thing to remember is that placing a comma between the adjectives means that you could have used the word andthere. When we try that on the expression upper right corner, we get "upper and right corner." When you read that out loud, it sounds a little odd. But more significantly, it implies almost a feeling that there are two different corners being discussed–an upper one and a right one. This is similar to the expression my blue suede shoes. If you say "my blue and suede shoes," it sounds as if you are talking about two different shoes. The word and truly does not work here, so a comma does not work, either.

Try that again on the expression "small down arrow." In describing such an arrow verbally, would you ever say "the small and down arrow"?  The word and does not work here, and for that reason, there should not be a comma betweensmall and down.

When I was a copyeditor on scientific journals, we used to talk about the "makes no difference" concept. The idea was that if it makes no difference in meaning whether you put a hyphen in versus leave it out, then leave it out. I think this concept works well on "upper right corner." Does it matter whether the reader perceives this as meaning the "upper rightcorner" (the upper one of the right corners) or the "upperright corner" (the upper right one of the corners)? No. Either way, the reader arrives at the upper corner on the right-hand side. Upper andright apply to the word corner equally. So there is no need to hyphenate upper and right to force the reader to join them together.

Contrast that with the expressions "blue laundry marker" and "high priced sedan." In both of these, the way you group the words does make a difference. Let's take out the spaces to show which two words are being read more closely together. If you read these aloud, you can hear that there is a big difference between a "bluelaundry marker" (you can use it only on blue clothes!) and a "blue laundrymarker" (it marks blue on any color clothes). Likewise, there is a difference between a "highpriced sedan" and a "high pricedsedan." The first makes sense, and the second is nonsensical.  What is a "pricedsedan"? In this last example, you do need to hyphenatehigh and priced to help the reader understand: a high-priced sedan.

Try this method on the following examples: If the first two words need to be read together, hyphenate. If the last two words need to be read together, leave it alone. And if it does not matter which two words are read together, also leave it alone.

1. black coffee cup
2. cheap jug wine
3. long range plan
4. orange sofa pillow
5. free range chicken
6. broken CD tower
7. grape seed oil
8. orange juice maker
9. lower back pain
10. red leaf lettuce

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

by Jennie Ruby  

1. In the morning she will leave the house by 7:30.  
   (optional comma as refers to time-In the morning, she…)
2. Over the rainbow is where the pot of gold should be.
3. After the long and boring meeting, we finally broke for coffee. (required-prepositional phrase more than 4 words)
4. After all, the boss is my best friend. (required-prepositional phrase acts as transition)
5. In 2009 the software was completely revised. (optional comma as refers to time-In 2009, the software…)
6. On the other hand, Bill might be better suited for the job than Bob is. (required- prepositional phrase acts as transition)

Respondent Carrie Noxon brought up one thing I did not mention in my column last week: some organizations may have an in-house style that makes the optional comma after a short introductory phrase mandatory.   She writes, "Our standard calls for a comma with introductory prepositional phrases. For us, it is always required. We also like the Oxford comma."

These two rules mean Noxon's organization uses "close punctuation," meaning that all optional commas are mandatory. As soon as I read her comment, I guessed that she must work at a law firm, and indeed, that turned out to be true. Legal writing has a great need for consistency and precision, and using more commas tends to help in that goal.

Correct Answers were sent in by:

• Larena Jackson
• Vera I. Sytch
• Carrie Noxon
• Lorna McLellan
• Michael Stein

Adjectives versus Adverbs

Adjectives describe nouns. Blue, tall, funny, long–these are all clearly descriptions of things: The blue screen, the tall coffee, the funny face, a long drive. Sometimes one adjective in front of a noun is not enough to fully describe or identify the item. Then we use two or more: The big old truck, the upper left corner of the screen, a small gray mouse. As soon as you have multiple adjectives in front of the noun, you need to ask whether you need commas between the adjectives. Here's how you tell: if you cannot reverse the order of the adjectives you do not need a comma between them.

Read this out loud:

The small brown bird

It sounds natural and normal. Now try reversing the adjectives:

The brown small bird

It sounds wrong or at least "funny." You do not need a comma between these adjectives because they are in the proper order.

If you can reverse the order of the adjectives, you need to ask a second question: can you place the word and between the adjectives. Here is an example where you can reverse the adjectives:

the small furious rodent

the furious small rodent

You can place the word and between the adjectives, and it sounds natural:

The small and furious rodent

Now, you decide whether to keep the word and or replace it with a comma:

The small, furious rodent

Here is this week's challenge: Decide whether you should place a comma between these adjectives. 

1. The tall hollow trunk
2. The upper right corner
3. A quick easy lesson
4. My blue suede shoes
5. The small down arrow
6. A loud overcrowded stadium
7. A small yellow icon
8. A large cracked hubcap
9. The large gray button
10. A wordy uninteresting paragraph  

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If you love Jennie's articles, you'll love her classes. Join her online and learn about Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Step-by-Step Scripts and Training Documents.

by Jennie Ruby  

You probably immediately saw that the sentence was backwards (Yoda-speak) and that the word the goes beforetowel, not after it. The normally structured sentence would read:

The towel went into the dryer.

Why do we have to study grammar rules, then, if we know things like this without even thinking? Because not all areas of English are equally obvious. Punctuation, for example, is an area where we often have to fall back on rules instead of relying on, let's just call it "instinct." So in the interest of being able to punctuate correctly, today, I give you the coordinating conjunctions.

A conjunction is a word that joins things. We have several types of conjunctions in English, but the most commonly used are the coordinating conjunctions. They are used to coordinate two or more equally important points or ideas. There are only seven of them. I recommend memorizing them. Here they are:

But, Or, Yet, For, And, Nor, So

I have capitalized them here to facilitate memorization using the mnemonic device BOYFANS (or maybe you like the music of the Backstreet Boys, so you are a BOYS FAN). Either way, I recommend memorizing these seven words. Once you have them memorized, you can make snap decisions about punctuating compound sentences.

 A. She went to the grocery store early but they were all out of kale.

 B. She went to the grocery store early however they were all out of kale.

Which of these sentences requires a comma, and which requires a semicolon? If you have the seven coordinating conjunctions memorized, you can easily make this decision. Which example is actually two complete sentences joined by one of the seven coordinating conjunctions? If you said A, you'd be correct. Two complete sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction require a comma before the conjunction.

A. She went to the grocery store early, but they were all out of kale.

Try it on your own. My challenge this week is this: which of the following sentences consist of two complete sentences joined by a coordinating conjunction, and where does the comma go in each? Feel free to post your answers below by replying to this post. 

1. The teacup is on the table but the saucer is on the floor.
2. The File menu contains all of the commands for opening, saving, and renaming files.
3. The birdfeeder was full of sunflower seeds and corn yet the birds did not come.
4. The show featured two major stars so the budget was higher than normal.
5. The shadow of the billboard fell across the front windows and darkened the space within.

Also, keep an eye out for these kinds of sentences this week. Happy hunting!

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