No "correct" answers came in from my last punctuation challenge. But one answer explained why, and another answer revealed a strange pattern I've been noticing lately in training voiceovers.
The answer that explained why I received no correct answers came from Krista Allen. Faced with these compound sentences–sentences that contain two entire sentences within them–she rewrote every one of them as two sentences. And, I have to say, she was correct to do so. Training writing should be concise, clear and written at about the 4th through 8th grade level. These compound sentences came up to almost 10th grade level. By breaking up the compound sentences, Krista brought them into the recommended range. Together, they now clock in at the 5.5 grade level:
- You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions. What's more, you can also use the shared folders with external clients through a shared link.
- Right-click the folder. When you see the shortcut menu, choose Create Shortcut.
- Using the Map Network Drive feature eases desktop access to a networked drive. It enables end users to type and click through much shorter path names.
- On the General tab, click Settings in the dialog box. Next, access the Advanced group and click Delete Cookies.
Of course, by rewriting the sentences, Ms. Allen side-stepped the comma issue. I was looking for what people would do with the commas at the spots where two complete sentences were joined. I offered, in my intro to the challenge, the Gregg Reference Manual's recommendation. That well-respected grammar guide kept the comma before the word and. That comma is, after all, marking the clear boundary between the two sentences.
Here is how Gregg would have us punctuate sentence 1:
- You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions, and what is more, you can use the shared folders with external clients through a sealed link.
And here is how our respondent David Zimmerle punctuated it:
- You can share folders with everyone in your office without setting file and folder permissions and, what is more, you can use the shared folders with external clients through a sealed link.
I was amazed at David's insight into this puzzling pattern that I hear in voiceovers. Trainers giving voice instruction regularly pause after the word and, not before. By the written rules and logic of punctuation, that is just wrong. But from a training standpoint, it does everything right. It immediately signals to the listener that another thought is coming. It then provides a pause during which the listener can prepare for the next instruction. And by providing a pause before the next instruction, the speaker calls attention to it.
Listen to some voiceovers this week–whether on YouTube or in your own work–and let me know if you hear what David and I hear. He has gone beyond the rules and is exercising what I call "literary punctuation." Rather than punctuating by the structure of the sentence (the rule states that we should separate the two parts of a compound sentence with a comma followed by a conjunction: , and), his rewritten examples reflect the cadence of training speech:
- Right-click the folder and, when you see the shortcut menu, choose Create Shortcut.
- You can ease desktop access to a networked drive by using the Map Network Drive feature and, thus, enable end users to type and click through much shorter path names.
- In the dialog box on the General tab, click Settings, and then access the Advanced group, and click Delete Cookies.
Notice in the third example above, the comma after Settings is in the grammatically mandated spot. But it also marks a logical break in instructions, giving the learner time to click Settings before announcing the next instruction.
One more note: in the first example, the phrase introducing the second sentence in the compound ends up marked as parenthetical, with a comma on each side, when it is not. Again, however, the part about when you see the shortcut menu, in the spoken cadence of training, would typically have pauses before and after.
So should we go with technically correct, structural punctuation? Or should we just punctuate by feel? I think that skillful punctuation, as in any field that is part logic and part art, demands that we know the rules first before breaking them.
Challenge
Lower the grade level of each of these sentences.
- It is incumbent upon the office holder to ensure that the documentation is filled out to a thorough and complete extent and that the printed names are clearly and legibly readable.
- The sales representative must ensure that the introductions between the client and the technical staff are accomplished in a polite and courteous manner.
- Confidentiality in regard to the final pricing decision points must be maintained by the financial services representative.
As always, your answers come straight to me.
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Correction:
Two weeks ago, I misspelled the name of the vireo bird, even though I am a birdwatcher! Chris Niestepski sent in this fun correction notice. Thanks Chris. –Jennie
 |
| "I'm nobody's vereo!" rattled the vireo, scathingly. |
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Looking for help with your writing technique? Jennie teaches two writing classes: Writing Effective eLearning Voiceover Scripts and eLearning: Writing Effective Scripts.
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While I do appreciate the intent of the exercises (and certainly do need these reminders myself, thank you), those of us who have written for the spoken word for many years do understand the need for what I call “natural” punctuation. This follows my preference for writing for narration in a “narrative” form, one more natural, conversational, and not bound, necessarily, by the rules of print!
For those who do plan on writing for narration, whatever the delivery modality, please be aware of the difference from print!
Funny how this example reminds me of the story of Winston Churchill during WWII, when he was chastized for ending a sentence in a critical public broadcast with a preposition. He simply explained it as using the rules in the best way to make things understandible. He ended that grammar lesson with the statement, “…and that was the kind of nonsense up with which he would not put! Hear, Hear!
While I do appreciate the intent of the exercises (and certainly do need these reminders myself, thank you), those of us who have written for the spoken word for many years do understand the need for what I call “natural” punctuation. This follows my preference for writing for narration in a “narrative” form, one more natural, conversational, and not bound, necessarily, by the rules of print!
For those who do plan on writing for narration, whatever the delivery modality, please be aware of the difference from print!
Funny how this example reminds me of the story of Winston Churchill during WWII, when he was chastized for ending a sentence in a critical public broadcast with a preposition. He simply explained it as using the rules in the best way to make things understandible. He ended that grammar lesson with the statement, “…and that was the kind of nonsense up with which he would not put! Hear, Hear!
While I do appreciate the intent of the exercises (and certainly do need these reminders myself, thank you), those of us who have written for the spoken word for many years do understand the need for what I call “natural” punctuation. This follows my preference for writing for narration in a “narrative” form, one more natural, conversational, and not bound, necessarily, by the rules of print!
For those who do plan on writing for narration, whatever the delivery modality, please be aware of the difference from print!
Funny how this example reminds me of the story of Winston Churchill during WWII, when he was chastized for ending a sentence in a critical public broadcast with a preposition. He simply explained it as using the rules in the best way to make things understandible. He ended that grammar lesson with the statement, “…and that was the kind of nonsense up with which he would not put! Hear, Hear!